(aka how to walk a dog that hates you)
1. Remember, you are dead to them…
Whether you’ve met notyourdog before or not, if you aren’t their trusted walker they will be the most unwilling walkee. Consider yourself invisible, inaudible and pretty damn easy to ignore.
2. …until you have humiliated yourself
Eventually, after you’ve crawled on all fours, attempted to copy their owner’s voice and promised forbidden treats, notyourdog will acknowledge your presence with a withering sigh, leave the sofa — very slowly — and allow you to follow.
3. They will forget how to dog
It will take four attempts to attach the lead because notyourdog thinks it’s amusing to do a full-body-shakedown each and every time you go near their collar. They also like to pretend they have no idea what a lead is, no sense of direction and a never-before-seen obsession with next door’s wheelie bin.
4. This will happen, a lot:
I’m approached by a friendly dog-loving person who asks what breed notmydog is…
Me: *looks at dog*
Dog: *looks at me*
We both shrug…
Previously friendly dog-lover looks appalled.
5. The long walk home
Notyourdog will slow down more and more as you approach their home, especially so if they know their owners are back. No matter how much they enjoyed the walk, they will limp indoors, run to their water bowl then collapse next to it like you made them run a marathon.
6. And finally…
Angry dog owner will remove the limp lead from your hand and show you out, never to be seen again. Meanwhile, notyourdog’s tail is thumping.